To my dearest darling readers:
Is John or Joan the superior Cusack? Today on Epistolary Blog my boyfriend and I will duke it out. My boyfriend will be taking the side of John, and I will be taking the side of sound judgment and good taste.
My Point: In examining their early work, it is clear that Joan has far more raw talent. John’s turn as Anthony Michael Hall’s friend in Sixteen Candles is utterly forgettable, while Joan’s performance as the girl with the back brace demonstrates her flair for physical comedy.
Joan’s prominent lips and rubbery features make her facial expressions of inebriation, exasperation, and incredulity pure comic gold, while John can only make one face: the face of a morose, lovelorn underdog.
The fact that John Cusack read the script for Serendipity and thought it was a good idea leads me to believe that he is retarded, as is Kate Beckinsale—I don’t care if she did go to Oxford. Why do you own this movie, Jim? Sometimes I worry about you.
My boyfriend's Counterpoint: While I will admit that Serendipity is sappy, it is far superior to any movie Joan Cusack has starred in—oh wait, she’s never had a starring role.
In examining their early work, it’s apparent that John has natural charisma and presence, and Joan has no raw talent whatsoever. Her “prominent lips and rubbery features” make her facial expressions exaggerated or non-existent, causing her to either over-act or under-act. On the other hand, John’s acting is more subtle, as if he were playing the part of a somewhat normal person, which is good, because that’s generally what his roles call for.
Okay, they were both in Sixteen Candles together in 1983. What have they done since then? Let’s compare their representative resumes. John: Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer, Stand By Me, Eight Men Out, Say Anything, Money For Nothing, Grosse Pointe Blank, Being John Malkovich, High Fidelity. Joan: Mr. Wrong, In and Out, Corrina, Corrina, Addams Family Values, Married to the Mob, Runaway Bride. You’ll notice that I’ve left out all the movies in which John cast Joan, which account for a substantial amount of Joan’s career. So, Lauren, which of these Joan Cusack movies would you recommend?
I guess I can understand why some people like Joan’s roles. They’re all the same. She always plays the plain, uninteresting, pushy, naggy, pale-faced, annoying girl who is unlucky in love: a character I’m sure her fans can identify with. Let’s hope that John and his highly successful production company can continue to create roles for his sister.
My final thoughts: Um. I think it’s generous to include John’s blink-and-miss-it role as Gordy’s dead brother in Stand By Me as one of his great starring roles. And it’s clear to me that High Fidelity should have taken place in London as Nick Hornby had intended.
Of those Joan Cusack films, I would recommend Mr. Wrong. Ellen DeGeneres and Bill Pullman are in it and, boy, do I love those two. I would also recommend In and Out, in which Kevin Kline demonstrates that men who enjoy poetry are gay. As you enjoy both poetry and Serendipity, I’m not holding out much hope for your heterosexuality. Also, I notice that you’ve omitted School of Rock from your list of Joan’s films. That movie is awesome—and much better than any lame-o John Cusack romcom.
Oh yeah. John has a giant forehead. Bite me.
Love,
Lauren
