To my dearest darling Pizzeria Uno or Uno Chicago Grill or whatever it is you’re calling yourself these days:
I’m not gonna lie. Until recently I had never ever patronized one of your many locations. I didn’t even know what made a pizza “Chicago style.” But a few weeks ago, my boyfriend, who grew up in Chicagoland, introduced me to your fine establishment, whereupon I learned that Chicago Style pizza is a lot like pizza soup served in bread bowl.
On this my first visit to your restaurant I perused the menu carefully and noticed an appetizer called “BBQ Pork Stick.” I was perplexed. I love anything that begins with the words “BBQ Pork,” but the word “Stick” struck me as rather unappealing. Adding further to my perplexity was the fact that the words “BBQ Pork Stick” were followed by a tiny “TM.” Why was it necessary to trademark a phrase like “BBQ Pork Stick,” a phrase which gives pause to even the most devoted pork lover? Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? And just what is a Pork Stick? I had visions of ground pork parts all glued back together into the shape of a stick, but then I realized that that would just be sausage. Then I had visions of ground pork parts all glued back together and skewered by a stick, but then I realized that that would just be a corndog sans corn. Ultimately I was too chicken to check out the Pork Stick.
Until last night. Last night I returned to Pizzeria Uno to face my fear. Sure, our waitress gave me a funny look when I gave her my order, but waver I did not. And when my adversary was finally brought to my table, I saw that an actual bone was involved, which led me to believe that I was dealing with some sort of organic pig part. I picked up the Pork Stick by the bone and took a bite.
I was instantly transported to pork heaven where I experienced multiple porkgasms.
How on earth did I live before knowing about the Pork Stick? And why isn’t this everyone’s favorite cut of pork? Why do we all screw around with ribs when there exists this equally tasty cut which involves more meat and less bone and therefore less work?
Upon further inspection of your menu I discovered that the Pork Stick is actually a “shank,” which my research indicates is part of the arm shoulder. I’m thinking of starting a campaign to inform people about the magic of the pork shank. People need to know about this. I think I’ve finally found a cause in which I truly believe.
My deepest thanks.
Love,
Lauren
