Epistle to Wes Welker

To my dearest darling Wes:

My friend Whitney and I attended the Malibu [rum] beach party you hosted last Saturday night at Boston Center for the Arts. (Malibu is actually my nickname among my friends from the BU Creative Writing Program—there were two Laurens, and after we rejected Leslie Epstein’s suggestion that we be called Lauren 1 and Lauren 2, the other Lauren decided she wanted to be called L.K., and I decided I wanted to be called Hawaii Lauren since I had just moved to Boston from Honolulu and wanted everyone to subconsciously associate me with attractive women in bikinis, which is the same reason I keep my three-month stint at Victoria’s Secret on my résumé, but somehow L.K. and Hawaii became X-ray and Malibu, and even Ha Jin called us by these nonsensical nicknames.)  Anyway, I’ve moonlighted as a Bacardi girl, so I’m no stranger to these sorts of liquor-sponsored occasions and have donned many a silly outfit in the name of promotional blinky button distribution: a mint green dress for a mojito event; a red velour ski bunny jacket with a fur-trimmed hood for a wintertime event; an 80s punk rocker costume for an event whose theme I had been told was rock and roll, although it turned out I was the only person in costume except for a few Miller Lite girls in their referee getups and a few guys in lederhosen; and on more than one occasion a very small red tank top that said Bacardi Grand Melon across my boobs.  But I was never once asked to wear a Vegas showgirl costume complete with full-feathered headdress, which is what the poor Malibu girls were wearing at the party on Saturday.  Every once in a while a few tribal drummers would take a lap around the party, and the Malibu showgirls would follow behind in a conga line.  It was more than a little bit strange.  Anyway.  There were several tiki bars at which one could order complimentary Malibu cocktails from a list of what I wrongly assumed were carefully concocted and thoroughly taste-tested mixed drinks.  Now, I love Malibu.  I don’t drink it very often anymore, but it was the first alcohol I ever tried that made me think, Hey, I could really get into this.  Once I even did a power hour with Malibu and Coke instead of beer.  And then later I cut my elbow somehow and gave lap dances to the squash team, which was strange because until then I didn’t even know Colby had a squash team.  So I’ve had some good times with Malibu and I was excited to try out some new cocktails.  I started with one that was Malibu, Stoli, lime juice, and club soda.  Dude, I didn’t know Malibu could taste so bad.  I drank only Malibu and Cokes for the rest of the evening.

Your role as host was limited.  You briefly stood on stage and welcomed everyone to the party, at which point I realized how very small you are. Then you were ushered over to a roped-off VIP area where you joined a bored-looking blonde.  Lots of fans were hovering around the VIP area gawking and waiting to have their picture taken with you.  I considered waiting with them and whispering in your ear, You ain’t got nothing on Plaxico, just as our photo was being taken, but then I decided it wasn’t worth being mauled by a bunch of Pats fans.

The DJ, Chris Roxx, was the best part of the party.  He began by impressively mixing George Michael’s “Faith” with Missy Elliott’s “Get Ur Freak On.”

The part where my coat (and my favorite pair of mittens on a string) was stolen was surely the worst part of the party.  I can’t remember the last time I had my coat stolen.  How very college.

Whitney and I ended the night at Bell in Hand rocking out to a cover band called Moonshine.  In spite of their name, they were pretty good.  And Whitney and I are now featured on their website.  Sweet.

Anyway.  I hope the Giants kick your ass.  And you owe me a coat.

Love,

Lauren

Comments

[Belinda]

You totally put the whammy on this guy. Obviously, I have vastly underestimated your powers, and must re-evaluate.

[jennifer]

fabulous. i so missed laughing out loud in my cubicle while reading one of your letters.

[Ghd rettetang]

Dette året ghd rettetang har gått tilbake til en nyanse av rosa som har vist seg å være svært vellykket i det siste - en baby rosa. ghd rettetang Selv om de gjør også referere til det som pastell rosa, da de er litt lysere i fargen enn den originale babyen rosa hår styler.The nye rosa ghd rettetang kommer i en blank overflate og matchende farge plater. ghd rettetang Det er også noen gode ekstra som ghd straighteners har kastet inn i dette satt til å tilby det kundene bedre valuta for pengene. Sammen med den nye rosa ghd rettetang, får du også en allsidig tote bag - dette er flott for lagring av hår og skjønnhet essensielle. En Varmebestandig ghd rettetang posen - dette vil ikke bare bidra til å beskytte din ghd rettetang, er den også stor mer beskytte noen overflater fra varmen av styler sin platene.