To my dearest darling readers:
We here at Epistolary Blog try very hard to avoid any situation that might result in us being on the receiving end of snark. We like to be the snarkOR, not the snarkEE. However, sometimes these sorts of situations cannot be avoided.
A few weeks ago my friend Whitney and I went up to Colby College, our beloved alma mater, and performed the opening act of the Broadway Musical Revue. A few days later, a rather unfavorable review of our performance appeared in The Colby Echo, the college’s rather embarrassing newspaper, which is thankfully published only weekly. To give you an indication of the Echo’s tradition of hard-hitting journalism, I submit the following: an Echo reporter once asked my roommate Erin and me to name our favorite thing about springtime at Colby. We said it was that the freshman girls could no longer fit into their clothes from the fall. The Echo published our reply as a caption beneath a photo of the two of us snickering. This is a serious newspaper. Seriously.
So I was certainly surprised to find that the Echo, a paper in no position to dole out criticism, had called our performance “under-practiced” and “drawn-out.” The review was written by Julie Wilson, Colby student and apparent adjective enthusiast, who left no noun unmodified and who concluded her piece with this gem: “As they say, if you got it, flaunt it.” Poor Julie must have been absent the day her English teacher covered avoiding clichés, although I do appreciate the fact that her cliché was at least Broadway-themed. Poor Julie also must have been absent the day her English teacher covered homophones, as she is clearly unaware of the difference between review and revue—problematic for someone writing a former of the latter.
Now, as for Julie’s claim that our skit was under-practiced, it is simply untrue. Whitney and I totally held rehearsals. Of course, we held the first one at my apartment while my mom was visiting and while we were all drinking wine. Like, a lot of wine. But we worked out a really great rendition of “Fugue for Tinhorns” from Guys and Dolls and then spent some time drunk dialing friends and leaving singing telegram messages for them. But then my mom said she wouldn’t go to Colby to sing with us at BMR, and Whitney and I decided that singing all three parts would be tricky for just the two of us, so we were back to square one. Then we held our second rehearsal in Whitney’s Jeep on the way up to Colby for BMR, which, I know, makes it sound as though we'd been procrastinating, but the drive to Colby is three hours long, and three hours is more than enough time to learn a song. Especially if you listen to it over and over again on a loop. Do you know what it’s like to listen to Ethel Merman for three hours over and over again on a loop, Julie? Do you? Whitney and I SUFFER for our art. JEEZ.
Anyway. I wish I had a video of our performance. But all I can do is show you a photograph and let you read the script below. I’m sure this will enable you to envision our genius.
LAUREN and WHITNEY enter the stage from opposite sides. Whitney is looking at the crowd and doesn’t notice that Lauren’s costume doesn’t match her own. Lauren, however, notices Whitney’s costume and looks annoyed.
WHITNEY: Hello and welcome to BMR! I’m Whitney and this is Lauren. We’re recent alumni of Colby BMR and we’re here tonight to introduce the show and get the crowd warmed up by reviving one our old numbers: Stayin’ Alive from Saturday Night Fever.
Lauren taps Whitney on the shoulder and Whitney finally notices Lauren’s costume.
WHITNEY: Lauren, what are you wearing?
LAUREN: I thought we were going to sing I Hope I Get It from A Chorus Line. I wore my thong leotard especially for the occasion. See?
WHITNEY: Lauren! This is a disaster! What are we going to do? This is humiliating. I’m so upset I don’t even remember what I like about BMR.
LAUREN: You don’t remember what you like about BMR? Gerry, can I get a C?
The costumes, the scenery, the makeup, the props
The audience that lifts you when you’re down
WHITNEY: The headaches, the heartaches, the backaches, the flops
The sheriff who escorts you out of town
LAUREN: The opening when your heart beats like a drum
WHITNEY: The closing when the customers won’t come
ALL: There’s no business like show business
Like no business I know
Everything about it is appealing
Everything the traffic will allow
No where could you have that happy feeling
When you aren’t stealing that extra bow
There’s no people like show people
They smile when they are low
Yesterday they told you you would not go far
Tonight you opened at there you are
Next day on your dressing room they’ve hung a star
Let’s go on with the show
LAUREN: The cowboys, the wrestlers, the tumblers, the clowns
The roustabouts that move the show at dawn
WHITNEY: The music, the spotlights, the people the towns
Your baggage with the labels pasted on
LAUREN: The sawdust and the horses and the smell
WHITNEY: The towel you’ve taken from the last hotel
ALL: There’s no business like show business
If you tell me it’s so
Traveling the country is so thrilling
Standing out in front on opening nights
Smiling as you watch the benches filling
And see your billing up there in lights
There’s no people like show people
They smile when they are low
Even with a turkey that you know will fold
You may be stranded out in the cold
Still you wouldn’t trade it for a sack of gold
Let’s go on with the show
Let’s go on with the show
The show!
The show!
Love,
Lauren
To my dearest darling readers:
