I’ve been meaning to write ever since I saw The Last Kiss. I enjoyed the film, although it does get off to an awkward start. The first scene is bookended by voiceover in which you explain that you’re nearing thirty, you have a good job, you’re still friends with the guys you grew up with, and your girlfriend, played by Real World alum Jacinda Barrett, is beautiful: all information the audience would certainly be able to piece together on their own. The voiceover doesn’t, however, give the audience any practical information about the upcoming scenes, like that you’re going to your girlfriend’s parents’ house and to your friend’s bachelor party, and so the audience spends several panicked seconds wondering who Blythe Danner and Tom Wilkinson are and why you're at a party with strippers. Nor are we given any explanation as to why beautiful women fall in love with you in spite of your nose. Strangely, the voiceover device is discontinued right after the first scene, never to return, not even to tie up the ending in a neat bow, which makes me think it should have never been employed in the first place, particularly not in such a pointless fashion.
But I’m nitpicking. I enjoyed the rest of the film, especially the scenes in which you confess your infidelities to Jacinda. There’s always something so gut-wrenching about those sorts of confessions: the Julia Roberts/Clive Owen scene in Closer, for example, or that episode of America’s Next Top Model, Season Two, in which Shandi calls her boyfriend and confesses to making out with some Italian guy.
In the movie, you cheat on Jacinda with Rachel Bilson, a flautist who is much younger, dumber, and less attractive than Jacinda, but who is NOT pregnant with your baby, which seems to be the sole basis of her appeal. (Did you ever feel like playing a thirty-year-old guy dating a dumb musician several years his junior was hitting just a little too close to home? I love me some Mandy Moore, but the fact that she continues to participate in insipid films like A Walk to Remember and Because I Said So makes me think she must not the brightest candle on the birthday cake. I was sorry to hear that you two broke up, and very sorry to hear that Mandy took up with DJ AM afterward. There must be something wrong with anyone willing to date Nicole Ritchie, because if the camera adds ten pounds I shudder to think of what she must look like in real life. And then Nicole was dating Joel Madden, which was strange because he had been dating Hilary Duff, who always seems like such a nice, appropriately-sized girl. Is this really a Daisy Chain you want to be a part of, Zach?) At the end of the movie, after you sit outside her front door for several days in a row, seemingly without ever having to go to the bathroom, Jacinda lets you in. I told my boyfriend that if he ever cheated on me with Rachel Bilson the last scene of OUR movie would be me stepping over his bones on my way out the door. But I guess some girls might be more forgiving.
Anyway. You seem like a nice guy with lots of Jersey pride, Zach. You used our high school and my doctor’s office in Garden State, and you gave a shout-out to the Campus Sub Shop in your recent SNL monologue. (Is Kristin Wiig as awful in real life as she is on television?) You also accepted my Myspace friend request, unlike that bitch Busy Philips.
But what I really want to talk to you about is this clip from The Babysitters Club television series. I recently discovered this clip courtesy of my new favorite blog, and how you managed to not get your ass kicked for this is beyond me. This could NOT have been good for your street cred at Columbia High School. What’s so strange about this, of course, is that just a few weeks ago you posted a Myspace bulletin about your friend Schuyler Fisk, who played Kristy Thomas in The Babysitters Club movie. How did you and Schuyler become friends? Is there a club for people who have been involved in various reincarnations of The Babysitters Club? The Babysitters Club Club, perhaps? If so, do you know what happened to Larisa Oleynik and Rachael Leigh Cook and Christian Oliver? I miss them.
Tell Donald Faison that I loved him in Clueless and on Felicity.