Congrats on having made it this far on Dancing with the Stars. You seem like a nice guy and you're a fine dancer. That being said, I hope you're voted off the island tonight. Sorry. I just don’t have the same emotional attachment to you that I do to your competitors.
Steve Sanders? I LOVE Steve Sanders. And the fact that Brandon Walsh, Kelly Taylor, Donna Martin, David Silver, Andrea Zuckerman, and Nat from The Peach Pit have all come to see him compete is heart-warming. It’s so nice to know that they weren’t just playing friends on TV.
Joey Fatone? I LOVE Joey Fatone. I love that Lance Bass has been so supportive and that he’s always in the audience with Carlton from Fresh Prince for some reason. I love Joey so much that I don’t even mind his partner’s unbelievably wonky eye.
Laila Ali? OH MY GOD. LAILA ALI IS THE HOTTEST WOMAN ON EARTH. She is beautiful and feminine, but she can also kick your ass, and if that’s not hot, I don’t know what is. And I cried the whole time her dad was in the audience just thinking about the time he lit the Olympic torch.
I even felt more connected to Cliff Claven than I do to you. He always seemed so cuddly, and I was touched by Norm Peterson’s presence in the audience. And there was something so cute about the way Billy Ray Cyrus was always mouthing the count while he danced, and of course I'm partial to anyone who's made a guest appearance on Degrassi. And Heather Mills seemed so plucky and spunky—it made me inclined to believe all the horrible things she’s said about Paul.
But you? You have no celebrity friends in the audience, and you have that awful facial hair, an overgrown jungle of a soul patch. I’m sorry, Apolo, but you’ve got to go.
P.S. Can I tell you that I’m watching the series finale of Gilmore Girls right now and typing through tears? I’m pathetic.